Based On A True Story
(lowercase intentional) the blurb after waking up, kat writes to save herself one dear audrey today i woke up. the white light shone down on my face, and hurt my eyes. but i'm okay now, really. you don't have to worry about me i feel like a mess. my mom is so out of wack now. you know what she does right? she says she's fine and acts like it's okay in front of everyone, and then she gets me alone and pulls the disapointment card on me. she's right though. it really is my fault. i don't know why this had to happen to me. i never asked for this to happen to me. i miss you. i know we stopped talking a while back but i seriously miss you. maybe we can catch up sometime. i don't know. we were always so different but that's what made us friends i guess. -kat two dear audrey it's been 24 hours since i woke up. i'm really not liking this, but i made a promise that i would pull through. i made that promise for you. the pills i have to take aren't any good but they make it feel like i'm a human being again which is nice. claire says that they will be helpful for my health. claire doesn't know what she's talking about. i hate her. my mom isn't any happier. she likes to think of herself as such a good parent but she hasn't even tried to talk to me since we came home from the hospital. after she pulled the dissapointment card on me she's been silent. i think she's mad. she has every right to be. i'm a failure. i feel like screaming but there's nobody to yell at. except this bird outside my window. fuck it i'm going to yell at this stupid bird -kat three dear audrey i got in trouble for yelling at the bird. it was being so loud and it deserved to be yelled at. today mom wants me to go see claire again and i don't want to see her. i don't even want to leave my room anymore. like it's bad enough i got woken up. at least leave me alone. the pills are starting to stick in my throat. i dont want to take them anymore. mom had to shove them down my throat. she called me an animal. i guess she's right though. i miss you. what have you been doing? i mean i guess not much knowing you. i just want you to be happy and if ignoring me makes you happy that's fine. i feel like a mess still. honestly i just don't want to wake up when i go to bed tonight. maybe i won't. -kat four dear audrey today i saw claire again. she's still insufferable and i hate her. i hate her so much. she tried to give me some special 'self care tips' and i want to punch her in the face. i did actually. i punched claire. i gave her a bad nosebleed, but i didn't break her nose like i was trying. mom says i shouldn't be so mean to claire, because claire is 'the only one who understands me.' that's not true because you understand me. or at least you did. i'm sorry i snapped that one time. tom understands. but he understands everyone. tom loves me and i love him. in fact, tom is probably the only one i am certain that i love. tom sat with me and i cried and tom didn't talk but he stayed with me, and let me cry on him. you let me do that too, when i had problems. thank you for that. you mean so much to me audrey. i just wish we could talk again. i'm going to go to sleep and try to not wake up. -kat five dear audrey mom made me try some of claire's self help tips. they're all dumb and terrible just like her. i sat in my bathtub for an hour and let the water turn cold. we put a stupid glittery bath bomb in there and now i still have glitter in my hair and on my skin and it's terrible. tom came in and sat on the edge of the tub like he always does. he drank some of the water too and then he choked on the glitter and i had to save him. he's the stupidest fucking cat alive honestly. i have to go back to school soon. i don't want to go back to school. going back means facing the stares and the whispers and the stress and the pain. i don't even have any friends i can go back to. if i could bring tom to school that would be fine but no he's a fucking cat so i can't. audrey i miss you. i'm going to yell at a bird in a place where mom won't get mad at me -kat six dear audrey today i went back to school. it was horrific and i'd rather spend the whole day with claire. that's how fucking bad it was. i had so much homework that i just never did and my teachers all yelled at me. fuck them. fuck them to hell. i tried so hard but just don't understand any of it so it's not my god damn fault. like at least i attempted it. they just don't understand everything. i hate adults so much they all think they're so good and they're all just assholes. i swear to fuck i'm going to punch a teacher one day. there were kids pointing at me today. they could see my scars and the marks, and everything. i wanted to punch them but i ended up just running away and crying like the little shit i am. also i watched somebody else open your locker and i saw the rebellious graffiti we drew in it and i'm really fucking emotional and literally all we did was draw an egg??? like why am i so sad. i hate everything right now. i never want to school again but mom thinks it'll be fucking good for me. i hate her so much. tom came and cuddled with me though so i feel a bit better now. -kat seven dear audrey charlotte starstringer is the worst person on this whole planet. i hate her so so so much. mom says hate is a strong word and i told her that was why i used it. she's got the dumbest last name too like seriously how the fuck do you end up with the name starstringer? it sounds like something out of a really bad anime. but anyway she was really fucking rude to me today and then she had the nerve to ask me for help in science??? like seriously she's even dumber than i am. go fuck yourself charlotte starstringer. also this new kid is sitting next to me in history. her name is ella and she's trying to be friendly. i don't like her very much. i miss you a lot. i really really do. i'll come by tomorrow once i'm done talking to claire. -kat eight dear audrey so ella tried talking to me more again. i don't really care about her but she explained what was going on when i was out of it and she gave me her notes so she can't be that bad. she was certainly way nicer than charlotte fucking starstringer. she's so rude jfc. like do you have a license to be that rude. i dropped by yesterday to leave you my letters. you kind of ignored me but i expected it. it's not your fault. i'm really sorry. also yesterday before i saw you i had to talk to claire. fuck claire. she wanted to talk about you. i must have brought up my letters bc she was so rude and upfront about it. like can you not you absolute fucking walnut. she wanted to know about you and shit and she said something about me being obsessed with you. like that's fucking rude. i just miss you and shit. i'm going to throw claire out a window next time i see her. tom is with me and he's the only thing keeping me awake tbh. i hate everything so much. if it wasn't for this cat i'd be a mess of nothing. -kat nine dear audrey wow it's been a while since i wrote to you. i've been easing back into the hell that is school. ella's been helpful. tbh if it wasn't for her i'd been failing again. she actually explains stuff so i can understand it, and she helps me. and she sits with me at lunch which is nice. plus charlotte starstringer doesn't tease me when ella's around. i wish ella could walk home with me but she lives on the other side of town so ??? i walked by your house today. the sky was grey and cloudy and i really related to that. anyway i looked at your house for a while and i remembered how i'd go up to the side of your house and toss a stone up onto your windowsill. then you'd open your window and stick your head out and smile at me. i thought about doing that but then i remembered that you don't do that anymore. so i just stared at your house until it started to rain and i finally went home. i feel so bad audrey. you and everything that happened to you is my fault and i'm really fucking sorry. everything i did was a mistake and i fucked up really badly. i know that you're never going to read these letters and i'm stupid for trying but right now it's keeping me alive and i dont want to live anymore and i just can't do this i cant -kat ten dear audrey i'm sorry -kat eleven dear audrey today i woke up again. i don't know why i woke up. i held my head under the water and i didn't breathe so i should have died. i wasn't thinking and i just wanted to die because everything hurt so much. they're putting me in the psych ward until they can figure out wtf is wrong with me. but yeah haha so i woke up. i didn't want to wake up believe me. ella came to see me apparently. i don't know how she found out about me or anything but while i was sleeping she visited and she left me a card and flowers yay? i don't even know what my emotions are i just feel hollow and empty and i want to die but i can't because i'm in the hospital and they don't let people die here i miss you and i just wanted to see you again -kat twelve dear audrey what's it like? what's it really like? you must feel so free, and everything must be perfectly fine. i wish i was you i wish i was in your place you'd be fine you're strong you're brave you wouldn't wake up multiple times in the hospital tell me audrey, what would you do in my place? i bet you'd snap right back and continue being beautiful and amazing and perfect and you didn't just look amazing your personality was flawless and you were always kind especially to me and it's no wonder i was so fucking in love with you so why are you gone why can't i see you anymore why do i have to look at old photographs and read old text messages and call your cellphone just to get to voicemail just so i can hear you talk to me why do i have to consult blurry family movies and stalk your social media walls just to see your face and why are you dead -kat thirteen dear audrey everything hurts i'm trying im really trying to live but i dont want to. and you're dead. i hate writing that because it means accepting it and i dont want you to be dead you're my best friend and i love you and you're dead and you shouldn't be but you are this isn't fair anyway i'm still in the psych ward haha. i have like no contact with people and im honestly okay with that. i dont need anyone i just want to die do u think anyone would get mad if i did??? i dont think so nope. my mom says that she loves me but i dont believe her i really dont. if she really loved me, she wouldn't be constantly trying to save my life. -kat fourteen dear audrey i am a fleshy sack of human garbage. at least that's what mom says. she doesn't understand me at all, and she keeps trying to make into someone i don't want to be. i can't deal with this anymore. i miss you, but you're dead. i hate saying it i hate even thinking it. i have to constantly admit that you're dead. what am i supposed to do? you were my entire world. everything i did revolved around you and your happiness. claire was right, i am obsessed with you. i'm a total fucking mess, putting all my feelings into a bottle, and pretending im okay. i'm pretending that i can make it but i can't do it my entire life is for a dead girl. isn't that the lamest shit you've ever heard? i'm not real and nobody cares and it's all my fault -kat Category:Brighty's Stuff Category:Original Stories